Father's Day: Men speak out on 'silent crisis' of neglect, pressure

As the world marks Father’s Day, a growing number of men are pushing back against what they describe as a silent crisis of neglect, pressure, and misunderstanding within families and society. 

While fathers are traditionally viewed as providers and pillars of strength, many now say these expectations have reduced their role to a purely material one, leaving little room for recognition of their emotional and human struggles.

Voices from fathers and family experts reveal a reality in which shifting economic realities, changing gender roles, and deep-rooted societal stereotypes are redefining fatherhood. 

For some men, the inability to meet financial expectations has led to feelings of rejection and isolation within their own homes, while others point to a broader cultural shift that is challenging long-held notions of masculinity, responsibility, and family leadership.

Joachim Muchina, for one, says fathers are not appreciated enough in their homes and in society.

“Fathers do a lot in their families and in society, but they do not receive enough appreciation. Look at them as human beings first and reduce the expectations,” Muchina said.

Paul Karanja, a father of two, says, in most cases, fathers are viewed through a materialistic lens, whereby if they are not able to do everything that is required, they are branded as “irresponsible”.

Karanja argues that the concept that men are supposed to provide has left most fathers neglected and dejected when they are not able to do so.

“This idea that a father is Superman does not work. He is a human being and he cannot always provide everything that is required because we are also dealing with scarce resources. We are not failing and we are not supermen,” he said.

He adds that, in some families, children and their mothers gang up and turn against their father and eventually he is left alone. 

“There are so many fathers crying out here because the entire family has turned against them and they feel like strangers in their own homes. The children side with the mother to brand him as a failure or an irresponsible father,” said Karanja.

He adds that, in worse situations, the rest of the family moves out of the house and leaves the father literally alone.

“Fathers are not appreciated largely because, as soon as they are done providing for their families, most children and mothers feel like they can move on without their father,” Karanja argued.

He also added that the economic powers have shifted towards women, hence leaving men unable to meet all the financial obligations.

“The people who bear the brunt of joblessness are fathers, which means they cannot provide for their families. The whole thing that fathers are supposed to do everything drains them and women start to feel like they can raise their children alone,” he added.

The mistreatment, he added, is also witnessed in retirement, where fathers get less recognition than their mothers.

“The world uses and dumps fathers. As soon as they are done providing, they are left because the children and the mother feel like they do not need them anymore, and they can move on without them.”

Karanja dismissed the narrative of absentee fathers.

“Many of the young fathers out there have no idea what is required of them besides paying the bills. They are bringing up their children the way they were brought up themselves, which is not necessarily the best way.”

Regina Wanderi, a family counsellor and therapist, however, says the low regard for men by society is largely contributed to by the stereotypes against them.

“Men are very important people in society because they are the ones society looks up to for leadership. Men are not neglected but they are withdrawing due to the things they are going through. They are expected to provide, protect the family and most of them feel like they can only do that if they have a lot of money,” said Wanderi.

The counsellor adds that most men feel intimidated by empowered women and hence change the impact on how they perform their duties as fathers.

“If awareness can be created for the boy child to understand that things have changed, women are now earning their money, that should not affect them,” she said.

Wanderi noted that emotional, financial and physical neglect have affected how men are perceived and celebrated in society.

“A father is expected to lead a family, provide for the family and they should understand that as their core responsibilities,” she added.

Although men have made significant contributions in their families and in society, Nyeri Catholic Archbishop Anthony Muheria says absent fathers have denied children the chance to have a guiding figure to shape their characters.

Instead, he says, most children, especially boys, have been pampered and not moulded into a man and a fatherly figure.

“Men are supposed to be the leaders in a family. But if they are not available and not spending time with their children, the children’s personalities are not being shaped in a manner that it is supposed to be,” said Muheria. 

Muheria attributes the recently witnessed torching and destruction of schools as a result of poor parenting and lack of fatherly guidance to the children.

“Our children are communicating that something is going wrong in their lives. Their actions are displaying the mistakes we are making in parenting them,” he added.

According to Muheria, men have failed in playing their fatherly and parental responsibilities in their families.

“As we celebrate this day, I would like to ask men to go back to their homes and be with their children. Spend time with your children, listen to them and get to understand what is going on in their lives and your wife’s,” Muheria added.

“Do not be afraid or ashamed to spend an entire weekend at home with family, take them out, sit, talk and have fun together. This is the only way you can bond and instil discipline in your children,” the preacher said. 

The archbishop says children are emulating their fathers’ character and consequently shaping their personalities.

“If a father is a thief, if he is lying, if he is always insulting people, always drunk and coming home late, they are showing their children how to behave and they will emulate that exact behaviour,” the Catholic father said.