Burdening weight of men as expectations rise

On the edge of Mukogodo Forest in Laikipia, 68-year-old John Lokipi warms himself by a bonfire alongside his two sons. They have repeated this evening ritual for years. His wife, Margaret, prepares a meal at a makeshift kitchen a few metres away.

In her early 60s, she presents the image of a homemaker. Their firstborn son is married, while the younger is preparing to join a college in Kajiado for a course in hospitality.

Our evening discussion turns to the dynamics of raising a family in a modern world where household chores are increasingly shared equally between husband and wife. “Have you ever carried any of your sons or cooked for the family?” The question unsettles both him and his eldest son.

“Sijawahi, na siwezi. Mama afanye kazi yake (I have never and I will never. Let the wife handle her duties),” he responds.

From Samburu’s patriarchal setting, modernity has changed little in the way some men approach domestic responsibilities.

In contrast is the case of John Kimani*, who recently vented on social media about how his wife’s words and behaviour have stung like a thorn in his vulnerable flesh. “Marriage is supposed to be a sanctuary of love and understanding but has now become a battlefield where every gesture, every word, or any attempt at peace seems to ignite fresh conflict,” he said.

Kimani was among those shocked when Kennedy Kamau, a young man, recently took his own life and that of his wife and children, leaving behind a handwritten note explaining the circumstances that led to the unfortunate incident.

While Kamau’s note did not implicate his wife, stating instead that he had “been in silent battles”, social media commentators argued that marital disputes are often at the root of such incidents. “Perhaps he just needed someone to talk to and found none,” one user said.

While men have often been portrayed as on the receiving end of toxicity within marriage, some argue that women too can be a source of emotional strain, particularly when relationships are marked by unmet expectations and conflict.

“No matter how much I try to please her, my efforts are always questioned and later twisted to gaslight me,” Kimani says. “This is despite the fact that I often end up doing much of the housework. Na kuna World Cup,” he laments.

Like Kimani, the warmth of companionship that some men experience when newlywed has been replaced by a cold and suffocating tension, leaving them trapped in cycles where nothing they do is ever enough. In such cases, home, once a place of comfort, can feel like an emotional prison.

Feeling trapped

Psychologists say living with a toxic partner can feel like being trapped in a storm that never passes, marked by overwhelming and conflicting emotions. On one hand is love and affection; on the other, fear, guilt, exhaustion, and the slow erosion of self-worth and peace of mind.

When the victim is a man, he may constantly question himself, wondering whether he is the problem or whether he is imagining the toxicity. Often, such dynamics isolate him from friends, family or anyone who might validate his experience. The emotional labour of maintaining peace drains him, leaving little energy for anything else.

Writing in Psychology Today, La Keita D. Carter notes that even when such a man attempts to help or support, he may feel unappreciated or criticised, fuelling silent anger.

“Abusers often use tactics such as gaslighting or constant criticism to make their partner question their self-worth. This emotional manipulation can lead individuals to doubt their own perceptions, making them feel incapable of making sound decisions, including the decision to leave,” she writes.

In 1971, Esther Vilar published one of the most controversial books to challenge assumptions about gender roles, power and relationships. The book was widely criticised for appearing to portray women in relationships as not necessarily oppressed, but as “systematically manipulating men for their own benefit, using emotional, sexual and social tactics to control them”.

In The Manipulated Man, Vilar argues that men are conditioned to serve women and to assume responsibility within relationships. Even marriage, she suggests, offers limited benefit to men, while women secure financial and emotional support under the guise of love.

She further argues that men are  trained from childhood to measure their worth through providing for women, making them vulnerable to manipulation. According to her, tools of manipulation include emotional blackmail, withholding sex, exaggerated emotional displays and the myth of romantic love.

Of course, in earlier decades, women were largely confined to so-called “soft skills”, while men dominated roles considered masculine. Today, however, more women have joined the corporate world, reshaping traditional family dynamics.

According to Cheryl Mwangi, a trauma therapist, toxicity cuts both ways, although she notes that in many cases, a “toxic” woman is reacting to a partner’s aggression or lack of support at home.

“Toxicity cuts both ways. For men, it is often more pronounced because it can even become physical. A toxic woman tends to fight more emotionally,” says Mwangi.

“Take the case of a man who barely provides for basic needs. Is it wrong for a woman to ask him to help with household duties? She is also working and would appreciate support. As they say, if a woman chooses revenge, even the devil should step aside,” she adds.

In the end, domestic toxicity is not a one-sided narrative but a silent war fought in kitchens, bedrooms and living rooms, where words cut deeper than knives and silence weighs heavier than stones. While patriarchy has long cast men as providers and women as nurturers, modernity has blurred these roles and exposed both genders to new forms of emotional strain.